My life has been quite active these past few weeks. I’ve met up with some old friends, had 2 birthday celebrations and a random trip to Singapore to visit my friends. What does that sentence mean? It means, I have been meeting people and well, been socializing a bit.
I’m not really the type to actively reach out to people and I don’t socialize often so these gatherings have been quite a step out of my cave. While I may sometimes seem pensive or uninterested, I am actually soaking in a lot of what’s going on. Classic introvert style, maybe, but I sometimes find myself just staring, looking, listening, thinking, and well, feeling. In my defense, I am quite tired out these past few weeks too so I am already in a tired state when I hang out with my friends. There are times when I just be myself and also times where I consciously put on an energetic front or maybe, ride on an extrovert friend’s energy. Anyhow, it really does make a difference. People tend to prefer it when you are lively than when you are subdued. So, this is something I hope to display when I next meet people. Of course, I will make sure I have sufficient rest and enough sleep before I hang out with anyone!
Being an introvert does not mean that I prefer to just be by myself all the time. It does get rather lonely or boring sometimes. Being around people, especially some people makes me feel more alive. Maybe it’s a kindred spirit or just a comfortable vibe but there are people with who I can turned into a bubbly state. There will be this new energy channeling its way into my brain, lifting up my spirits as well as the corner of my lips. These type of people, I want to be like them. It’s not that they are very good looking or smooth, but, their personality just shines through and being around them makes one feel at ease. It’s a good feeling.
Speaking of which, I’ve began to experience new feelings. I consider this a level up. Well, my peers tend to grow up faster than me and I am left watching their development and progress. Noticing their faults, I didn’t want to make the same mistakes. Celebrating their successes, I applaud them for reaching where they are today and feel a slight twinge of envy as I (unintentionally) compare. By doing nothing, yes, I did not make the same mistakes as them and hence, did not grow and learn from those experiences. By doing nothing, no, I did not develop and expand my capabilities and remained stagnant. As the years passed by, I began to fret and be caught in my own inner turmoil while people around me were stamping their identities and spreading their wings higher and higher. The only thing I can do, is to do something and hope to learn from the mistakes. Sometimes, it is rather annoying that I only began to learn NOW while others have been there, done that. I am quite obstinate in the sense that I refused to do what others do for the sake of being in the IN crowd.
This is reflected naturally in the way I dress, and the way I socialize. It took me a very long time before I begin to accept and be used to the way women dress. I still find some hand bag, shoes and clothes weird and ugly while my friends swooned over them. Back then, I used to feel uncomfortable and unhappy but now, I have somewhat learn to accept that people have different taste and I should be happy for them. Realizing this took me many years, not to mention, all the angst and bitterness of being different and the perceived way in which I was treated ( mostly by the opposite gender ). I had a lot of false assumptions and misconceptions but I am proud to say that I have grown beyond that. Well, my mindset deserves a toast! The feelings came slowly enough, but I have slowly started to feel some of the desire to shop for some nice clothes, bags and shoes. Of course, my definition of nice is not exactly the same as the contemporary ladies of my age but it’s a start!
In addition, I have also developed this feeling of wanting to gift people stuff. I first noticed this ‘trend’ in high school where my friends would gift friends stuff like mini notebooks ( i’ve kept mine and didn’t use them ’cause it felt ‘sayang'(waste to use something so pretty) but I will be using them from now on). In my workplace, some colleagues do randomly gift stuff like chocolates, bubble gum, keychains, just because they feel like and they like you. It can also be a thank you gift when someone does you a favor. So, I did gift two colleagues of mine some chocolate because they helped me in something. And when others do me a favor, I feel like gifting them something back. All these may seem trivial, but to me, it is a new feeling. Previously, I do not have such inclinations but now I do. I’m glad I am able to experience these new emotions.
Even feelings like falling in love, falling out of love, facing rejections, they are all feelings I appreciate. Some of these feelings causes a lot of anxiety and pain but they allow me to grow stronger and reflect on my weaknesses. Plus points, love songs and breakup songs have more meaning now. Besides that, I have more empathy for people going through heartaches. On the flip side, I have to learn not to be a sour puss when I see happy couples and loving couples. It’s been really tough. :p
If you made it all the way here, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. It has been a long journey of self recovery and self healing through a variety of methods, including meditation, Korean dramas, focusing on gratefulness and creating positive thoughts. My family and friends have been really supportive and caring. While I may have turned away from everyone, I do realize my errs and have been slowly reaching out. I’ve made some new friends and kept in touch with old ones.
I think I’ve penned most of my thoughts down. I would like to write on something more fun and exciting next time! Till then, stay tuned! =)